Beware Geeks Bearing Gifts
by LM
Summary: Can Twilight Sparkle, the smartest pony in Ponyville, help Pinkie Pie and her friend Minty pick out the perfect gift? Will Twilight be able to fix the hole in the kitchen wall? And what exactly IS a "decoy present", anyway?


**Chapter 1: Present Company Accepted**

It was a good day. A great day. The day Quills & Sofas Unlimited restocked its quill supply. Twilight Sparkle had a spring in her step as she returned to the library, her saddlebags full pristine, never before used Number 2 quills. If she listened carefully, she could hear the feathers gently rustling with every step, just _waiting_to scratch out a letter to the Princess or inscribe the first bullet point on a very important list—

"I still don't get why _I_have to carry all the parchment," grumbled Spike, mostly hidden behind a towering stack of paper crowned with five brand-new bottles of ink. "I mean, there's plenty of room in your saddlebags."

Twilight sighed and rolled her eyes. "I told you, Spike—quills are expensive and very delicate, a heavy stack of paper like that could easily crush them! And since I don't want them burned to a crisp if _someone_trips—"

"One time! That happened _one time!"_The stack of paper leaned to and fro in agitation.

Twilight chuckled in spite of herself, steadying it with her magic. "Anyway, it doesn't matter, Number One Assistant, because we're home." She pushed open the door to the library.

_"Finally!"_The little dragon heaved a sigh of relief as he followed her in. "I can't wait to set these things dow—"

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Pinkie Pie bellowed at the top of her lungs as she swung down from a banner unfurling from the ceiling. A volley of confetti exploded from a strategically placed cannon. Specifically, it had been strategically placed to target anypony coming in through the front door.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Spike lost his already precarious grip on his cargo.

"AHHHH—!" Twilight Sparkle's cry was cut short as parchment and ink crashed over her like a tidal wave. She struggled to the surface, hooves flailing, just in time to see a large present descending towards her, its ribbons whistling ominously. "PINKIE P—OOF!"

The pink party pony giggled. "I'm not Pinkie Poof, you silly filly, I'm Pinkie _Pie!_Did we surprise you?"

Twilight slowly pushed the enormous box off her head, sending it skidding gently down the mountain of papers now littering the floor. Wiping the ink off her face, she glared first at Pinkie, then at the crushed and bedraggled quills falling from her saddlebags. "Yes, Pinkie, I'm surprised. _Very_ surprised considering it's _not my birthday."_She blinked. "Wait a minute, did you say 'we'?"

Just then a booming report sounded from the other room, and a minute later a green pony with a bobbed mane of pink and white hair stuck her head in from the kitchen. At least, she seemed to be green under the soot layering her face.

"Pinkie, I think I fixed the other cannon! And, uh, just out of curiosity do you know anypony who's really good with carpentry? Oh . . . oh hiiii Twilight Sparkle! Everything's a-okay over here, ah ha ha ha! No need to come in!"

"Heeey, I know you!" Spike said, pointing a claw at the newcomer. "Minty, right? You borrowed, um, _Sock of the Ages, Gawkin' and Sockin', Socks for Dummies_. . ."

"Only to fact-check it," Minty quickly clarified, trotting in. Surprisingly she had peppermints for her cutie mark, not socks—although she was wearing four samples of the hoofwear, all mismatched.

"And it's a good thing I did, 'cause they COMPLETELY messed up the section on lace variations _and_ they said griffons don't wear socks, which is just not true at all, they do wear 'em, but only on their hind feet. I wrote them a letter and I was like, 'Is this book written _for_ dummies or _by_dummies?' Pretty good, huh?"

"Oh wow, Minty!" Pinkie Pie cheerfully bounced over to the green pony. "I have no idea what you're talking about! But then . . ." She tapped her chin. "Sometimes I don't know what _I'm_talking about either!"

"Imagine that," Twilight said drily, wringing the last of the ink from her mane. "Well, if you want any more books on socks—"

"Mostly we wanted to test our surprise party!" Pinkie said. "And you both looked _totally_completely one-hundred-percent surprised, so I think it was a success!"

"Awww, I missed it," Minty said.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Minty. But you know, Twilight is always saying how important it is to collect multiple samples of data before forming a scientific doohickey, so maybe if she went out and walked in _again—"_

"Um, that's okay, Pinkie," Twilight said hurriedly. "I _also_said you have to make sure to make sure all the variables are the same for each test run, remember? And reusing the same, um, test subject for a surprise party would definitely skew the results." The purple unicorn pasted a wide grin on her face, sweating slightly as she awaited Pinkie's response.

"Oh, okay! I understand!" The pink pony's brow furrowed. "I _think."_

"What about you, Spike? Didja jump out of your scales?" Minty grinned, trotted over the baby dragon.

"Me? Pffft, takes more than a banner and a couple of party cannons to get the best of a _dragon!"_ Spike crossed his arms proudly, nose in the air. But after a second he put his paw to the side of his mouth as he leaned towards the green pony. "Just, ummm . . . _warn_me next time you pull something like that, okay?"

"Well, if you two are done with your surprise-party-testing . . . " Twilight was always glad to see Pinkie Pie, and Minty seemed nice enough, but the tendrils of smoke that continued to drift in from the kitchen were making her nervous.

"OHHHHHHH!" Pinkie jumped several feet into the air. "Thank you for _reminding_ me, Twilight! We _aren't_done!"

"What?" Spike and Twilight chorused, shrinking together as they prepared for another assault of festivity.

"Oh, yeeeeeeah, I almost forgot! Pinkie said you'd be the—what'd you say, Pinks?"

"The number-one super-duper all-around-best pony to go to for advice!" Pinkie said.

"Oh. Well." Twilight relaxed slightly. "Sure, girls, what can I help you with?"

"It's like this," Minty said, sitting on the wooden floor with a bump. "We're planning a party for my friend Kimono. It's her birthday tomorrow."

"Kimono, Kimono . . . I can't quite picture her . . ."

"I'll help, Twilight! Close your eyes—go on, cloooose 'em—and picture a purple earth pony with purple hair and yellow paper-lantern cutie marks—no no no, not THAT shade of purple, DEEP purple! Nope, nope, now you've added too much red."

"Um, I'm opening my eyes now because, uh, you're kind of scaring me, Pinkie," Twilight said, leaning away from her friend.

"Kimono doesn't come into town much, that's probably why you haven't met her," Minty explained. "Sometimes she even asks me to deliver her groceries and stuff. I don't know why—"

"I know why! It's so her surprise parties can be more of a . . . SURPRISE!" Pinkie tossed some confetti in the air to punctuate her remark. "I know, 'cause at _last_year's surprise birthday party I set off a lot of fireworks in her cave, and while we were putting out the fires I heard her say, 'This is why I live out of town.'"

"Uh . . . huh."

"Whoa—she lives in a cave?" Spike perked up with interest. Sure, he'd heard of dragons living in caves before—even come across one once—but never ponies. "An earth pony living in a _cave_in the Everfree Forest, she must be really brave and tough!"

Minty snorted with laughter. "Oh geez, she doesn't live in the _Everfree_ Forest, ah ha ha, that would be ridiculous! Like Pinkie always says, only an evil enchantress would live _there._Right Pinkie?"

"Errrm . . ." There was a short but awkward silence as Pinkie cleared her throat and pawed at the floorboards in embarrassment.

Oblivious, Minty continued, "But guess what _else_lives in there? A zebra! That's what Wysteria was telling me, anyway . . . Shoot, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, Kimono's cave! It's in Whitetail Woods, by the Horsetail Falls. I know a cave sounds, like, ugh but it's not that bad. She's got . . . " Minty waved a hoof vaguely. "Lanterns and pillows and stuff."

"But it's itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny tiny," Pinkie said. "So there's no room for any big gifts. So we thought, 'Who can help us think of a gift that's awesome and _small_for the wisest pony in town?'"

_"Hey!"_ Spike objected, shoving his forehead against Pinkie's. _"Twilight's_the wisest pony in town!"

Pinkie merely leaned back until gravity took over. As Spike faceplanted into the floor, she skipped over him. "Oh Spike! Twilight's the _smartest_ pony, not the _wisest._If she were the wisest, her eyes wouldn't go 'oogle-oogle-boogle' all the time." Her eyes spun wildly in their sockets as she demonstrated.

"Oh, oh, I remember seeing her eyes do that when that whole Smarty Pants thing went down!" Minty said eagerly. "Do they really do that all the time?"

_"All_the time. Like, if she doesn't understand something? Oogle-oogle-boogle! If she loses a list? Oogle-oogle-boogle! If she meets a version of herself from the future—"

"Wow, if we could get Kimono's future-self to visit her, that would be the _perfect_gift!"

"No! No! No time travel!" Twilight yelped. "How . . . how about a nice book?" The unicorn began rummaging among the shelves. "Does she like novels? Poetry? Essays on the laws of thermodynamics? Nonfiction?"

Minty's eyes grew larger and larger as she watched the books swirling around Twilight in a purple glow. "Um . . . Yes, yes, what is that, and I dunno. But we can't give her a book."

The tomes dropped from Twilight's grasp with a series of thumps as she turned around to confront the green earth pony with a wounded expression. "Why not? Doesn't she _read?_"

"Yeah, she does!" Minty quickly assured the scandalized librarian. "A lot! But she says it's bad for books in the cave, like 'cause of the humidity or something? So she just has Sweetberry pick 'em up from the library—from here, I mean—since Sweets is always down here looking for new cookbooks anyway."

Well . . . that explained the weird, hunted look on Sweetberry's face that time Twilight had tried to plunge into an in-depth discussion of the classic novel _Peace and More Peace_with her. One mystery solved, thought Twilight.

"Hmmm, okay, books are out . . . What else does she like?"

Minty tilted her head, her tongue stuck out slightly as she chewed on it for concentration. "Herbs?" she said finally.

" . . . herbs."

"And . . . soup."

Twilight decided to take another approach. "Is there anything she collects or . . . does she need anything? " She tried to imagine life in a cave. "Galoshes? Insect repellent?"

Pinkie rocketed to her hooves, gasping. "OH MY GOSH, I'VE GOT IT!"

"I hope it's not catching," Spike muttered to Twilight behind his paw.

She smiled and rolled her eyes. "What, Pinkie?"

"Kimono _does_need something! I can't believe I didn't think of it 'till just now!" The pink pony spun around to face Minty. "Minty, do you remember what she said way, way back, when we were helping with Winter Wrap Up last year?"

The green pony looked confused for a moment, then her face brightened. "Oh yeeeah! I asked Kimono why she never wore her very, very special charm bracelet anymore and she said she had _lost_it!"

"Which means we could make her a new one—"

"—to replace the very, very special one—"

"—that she lost!"

"YEAH!" the two earth ponies chorused, slapping their hooves together in a high five. Twilight was only mildly surprised when they broke into a surprisingly well choreographed musical number in celebration. She waited stoically for their dance moves to peter out.

"I think that's a great idea, girls," she was finally able to say when the music lulled. _"Right,_Spike?" she added, giving him the evil eye before he could drop any "girly frilly frou-frou" remarks.

"Uh . . . sure thing! Awesome idea!" The minute the ponies were looking away he made gagging motions.

"Oh, thank you so much, Twilight! Your big, brainy, brainiac brain totally sparked off that idea—just like a bolt of lightning! SCHWOOOM!" Pinkie zipped around the room in a circle, sending loose papers flying.

"I really didn't do anything, Pinkie Pie, you thought it up all on your own—" Twilight began with a smile, but was interrupted by Minty waving her hoof in the air.

"Oh! Oh, oh! Will you help us get Kimono out of her cave tomorrow so we can set up the party stuff?"

"I . . . I don't know, girls. I mean, I don't really know her, won't it seem weird?" But Twilight's curiosity had been piqued. What kind of pony lived in a cave? "Weeell . . . sure. All right."

"Yay!" cheered Pinkie. "We can meet here tomorrow and go together!"

"Sure thing!" Minty agreed. "See you tomorrow, Twilight, Pinks! I've got to get going, tonight's _sock sorting night!"_She gave a little squeal of delight at the thought as she trotted out the door.

"So the party's just one day away," Twilight Sparkle commented, shutting the door after the green pony. "Do you really think you and Minty will have time to make a charm bracelet by then?"

"Pffft! Twilight, Twilight, Twilight." Pinkie patted her friend's head, a slightly condescending smile on her muzzle. "Like you really have to ask?"

Twilight had to laugh. "I guess you're right." A thought struck her. "If you didn't have a present for Kimono, what's _that?"_She gestured towards the huge present that had almost crushed her.

"Oh, that's just a decoy present! I keep them all over town for party-related emergencies. You can keep it, Twilight. But be careful—it's veeeery sensitive! See ya tomorrow!" Pinkie merrily bounced away . . . through the wrong doorway.

"Typical Pinkie," Twilight smiled to herself before following her into the kitchen, calling, "Hey Pinkie, what do you mean by . . . very . . . sensitive . . . ."

Twilight Sparkle stood silently for a while, contemplating the frizzy pink tail bouncing away over the horizon, framed by the new, charred hole in the kitchen wall. Finally she turned on her heel with a sigh. "Spike, go find Miss Sawhorse, will you? We need a carpenter." She looked at the "decoy present." Whatever was inside was beginning to tick. "And the bomb squad."

* * *

_Can Pinkie Pie and Minty complete a charm bracelet in just one day? Will they set fire to Kimono's cave again? Who the heck lives in a cave anyway? Find out in the next chapter!_


End file.
